Taking a break?

I'm not sure.  I have informally started a break I guess.  I was doing great, 4-5 workouts a week and feeling pretty good.  Then I just hit this wall. My day-to-day schedule changed and now I find myself struggling to find the time/motivation to get my butt to the gym.  So I'm giving myself permission to step back a bit, figure out where I am at, and what my goals are, then I can get back at it.

I'm torn between crossfit, oly lifting, and now cycling. It's hard to feel like I can adequately train for any of them.  Next year I want to do a century ride by the end of summer, which I know will take time away from crossfit for some focused time in the saddle training.  I like oly, I feel I'm good at it technique wise, but I'll never be super strong, so is it worth spending a ton of time focused there?  And I fight flair ups in my shoulder problems, and feel like after making a year of gains in crossfit I am either totally plateau'd, over even back sliding. I am seeing a new doctor soon (he also does crossfit) about the shoulder, and make sure I'm not missing some vital information there.

I don't know.  I feel guilty for not being in the gym.  But I also feel overwhelmed making it fit and frankly I just don't really want to go (which is usually a sign I really need to go).  I'm burnt out in so many ways it feels.  So maybe a break, refresh, and then restart?

Most EPIC camping trip EVER.

Friday night we got to camp and got set up just in time for it to start to rain.  We sat in the truck, by the lake for a while hoping for a break in the rain so we could fish before it got dark.  All the fire restrictions are in place, so no camp fires for this trip.  We finally gave up in trying to fish so we sat under a tarp by the warmth of the propane lantern and watched it pour til we decided to got to bed.

Saturday was still a bit over cast and very wet, but that was fine since we were hiking into Mystic Lake.  The hike was great, not to hot, and we both felt much stronger than in years past.  Once to the lake we hiked a bit further down shore to find a perfect fishing spot.  

On the way up

At the top

We enjoyed the day fishing and napping (well, I napped...)  I caught a nice little rainbow, actually the biggest fished I’d ever caught up to that point.  The PJ caught a fish right as we were getting ready to call it a day.  

Woke me up from my nap...

One Fish

Two Fish

As we were getting ready to go we stop to enjoy the beautiful view one last time, when PJ said he had a surprise for me.  He then pulled that little box every girl knows out of his pocket and asked me to marry him.  I, of course, cried and said yes. 

Right after he proposed

After we both calmed down a bit we headed back to camp, I smiled ear-to-ear the whole hike out.  We did stop along the way out for a couple nice river photos of me and the new bling too.

Can you tell I'm excited?

The Rock

The day wrapped up with bbq dinner lake side, and a little last fishing.

Sunday morning we enjoyed camp breakfast (camp food is always soooo delicious!)  Even though we forgot a spatula for the pancakes PJ saved the day, and I still got pancakes and an omelet. We went back to fishing for a bit.  Just as we were about to give up thinking we’d been skunked for teh day, I caught one last nice brown trout to top of the weekend.

Last fish of the trip

All-in-all, definitely the most EPIC camping trip EVER. 

4th of July

A flag that carries much meaning for me.  

The memorial of PFC Michelle Witmer - KIA 09 April 2004, Baghdad Iraq

And to all of those that gave their lives for our great nation you will never be forgotten.

Grief, Shame, and PTSD

           I have been doing lots of thinking about PTSD lately.  Why is it so hard to “cure”? And why did someone like me seem to conquer it so well, when some of those that seem so strong never quite get their head above water?  I have started to come to news ideas of how we should be looking at PTSD.  It may not be directly about the trauma but many other facets of life and emotion that get tangled around it.

            In the process of dealing with recent life events and the death of a friend I found myself striving to grasp grief.  I wanted to try to understand it and control it.  I quickly realized that isn’t going to happen.  But I realized something else about grief.  Grief is a huge part of the PTSD process that people seem to get lost in.  We constantly want our “old” or “normal” way of being back.  We grieve the loss of brother and sisters-in-arms.  But we feel that we can never let go of their death because somehow we would be letting go of our war or being dishonorable to their memory.  We grieve our life before deployment, missing it everyday that we are gone and creating a new reality in our heads; only to realize that the world kept moving forward while we weren’t there.  We miss the adrenaline of life in combat; we miss living in crappy conditions close to our brothers and sisters, knowing that we all understand something about the human condition that most people will never glimpse let alone grasp.  We grieve the persona that the uniform allowed us to live.  When we leave a deployment or leave the military there is a tremendous sense of loss, an end to a part of who we are.  And yet no one acknowledges this transition as a loss.  No one allows us a moment in time to grieve this loss of lifestyle, persona, and camaraderie.  We are expected to celebrate being free of the military’s constraint, and simply fit in to the civilian world we are then thrust into.

            I think that another huge issue in coping with PTSD is addressing our feelings of shame and vulnerability.  “Shame is about fear, blame, and disconnection,[i]“ That sounds like a spot on secondary definition of PTSD in my opinion and experiences.  I feared the unknown of what I was struggling against, I feared not being able to fit back into society.  I blamed George W. Bush, my commander, the Army, Iraq, and society for not understanding or being sympathetic to what I was experiencing.  I feared being judged as “broken” or weak.  So to deal with this overwhelming fear and blame I shut down.  I disconnected from the world around me.  If I didn’t let them in then I wouldn’t be hurt any more.  No one could tell me I was damaged. 

            After a few years of being alone and severely depressed I realized that I could not continue to live life this way.  I had to change something in order to change my self and the situation that I had created.  I had to be vulnerable and open myself up.  Though I didn’t identify it as vulnerability at the time.  As I slowly let my counselor glimpse my self-perceived weakness I was able to start regaining control in my life.  By confronting the pain and rage and exposing my raw nerves to someone else, I was able to finally start to heal.  5 years ago I started doing a lot counseling.  Talking about all the gory details of my time in Iraq.  In one scenario my counselor and I spent several sessions going over ever sight, smell, touch, and emotion from the night that I dealt with two dead bodies for the first time.  For years I had carried so much shame and so much fear that maybe I could have done more to save them.  I use to lay awake at night and picture their bodies in the vehicle where they died.  I couldn’t let that night go, I carried too much shame.  But the more the counselor and I talked about that night the more I began to see, and slowly believe, that I did everything I could have.  There was truly nothing in my realm of control that I could have done to save either man’s life.  My heart still hurts for their families.  But the pain, shame, and fear of that night, the burden on my back, I have since let go of.

            Since those early sessions of delving into my inner most pain I learned that my counselors didn’t think any less of me as a person, I was not weak, crazy, or un-savable.   As I slowly shared some of my deepest fears with other veterans I found out they were feeling the same things.  Now I am to a point in my journey that I am willing to tell my story to anyone who wants to know.  The more I have openly confronted my fears of being rejected because I am damaged are the moments I am actually the most loved and supported.  I hate to cry because I feel weak and shameful for being vulnerable.  But I have recently learned that others see my vulnerability as a sign of my courage.  “Courage is telling our story, not being immune from criticism.  Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.[ii]” 

            Recovery from PTSD is a long difficult process.  To learn to feel “good” again we have to face everything “bad” at its most raw and exposed level.  We have to let go of the shame, grieve the change, and be completely vulnerable to those that we want to reengage with.  I truly believe that all the years of exploring my own trauma (and the continuing work I do) has helped me to conquer my PTSD in a way that leads me to growth, empathy, purpose, and joy in my life.  As painful, damaging, and unforgettable as those moments in Iraq were I would never give them back for they have become the foundation of me, and are ultimately making me stronger.  

---

[i] Brené Brown The Gift of Imperfection p.44

[ii] Brené Brown The Gift of Imperfection p.53

Getting to testify for Senator Tester

            A couple weeks ago Senator Tester held a field hearing for the Senate Veterans Affairs Committee to discuss rural veterans access to healthcare.   I deeply appreciate Senator Tester and his staff for arranging this hearing and for inviting me to speak.  I have had many fights with the VA is accessing my care, and I know that I am not alone.  The VA created a situation in which I felt forced to seek care for female health issues outside of the VA at my own expense.  I also find it unreasonable to expect our veterans to have to travel the 8 hours round trip to Helena from Billings to see a provider for only a few minutes.  The VA needs to be better able and more willing to refer veterans to resources in their communities in these types of situations.  

             

          There were 2 panels, the first being comprised of health care providers who work or have worked with the Veterans Healthcare Administration.  The second panel was veterans, including Legion National Vice Commander and fellow Montanan Merv Gunderson, as well as myself.  There was quite a bit of good testimony regarding the difficulties that many veterans in Montana (the eastern side especially) face in having to travel to Fort Harrison Helena for appointments and long waits to get in to see the doctors.  Several panel members spoke to the needs of streamlining the medical records systems to facilitate better care for those coming off active duty now, as well as the benefits it would have for making programs like Project ARCH run more smoothly.

           

            Merv Gunderson made some outstanding points on the behalf of the Legion.  One of the main problems that a state like Montana faces is the VA definition of rural.  The VA defines rural based on the number of enrolled veterans in a given city.  As those of us in Montana know, this isn’t the most accurate definition.  We have small populations of veterans that live in close proximity to VA care facilities, just as we have lots of veterans (like those in Billings and nearby) that don’t count as “rural” but are expected to travel 4 hours each way to Fort Harrison for care.  The Legion also supports more adding more resources such as the Vet Center throughout more of Montana.

            

Montana’s veterans are not being given the adequate access to care, both timely and in location, that they deserve.  Many agreed that we need better access and coverage to local providers through programs like the fee-based appointments or Project ARCH.  It is not uncommon, but it is unreasonable to have to wait 3 or more months to see a doctor.

Here is my full testimony:

Thank you to the members of the Committee for giving me this opportunity to speak today. My name is Casey Elder. I am a disabled Iraq war veteran and a Purple Heart recipient. I deployed in support of Operation Iraqi Freedom in March 2003 until June 2004, as a member of the Montana Army National Guard. Upon my return to Montana in 2004, I immediately enrolled with VA Healthcare system to continue care for the wounds that I had received as the result of an IED attack in my last month in-country. Over the last 8 years I have received the majority of my healthcare through the VA system, and have experiences both good and bad. Today I am here to speak on behalf of all veterans that have been disillusioned, frustrated or felt brushed off by the Veterans Healthcare Administration.

First, I would like to commend the VA for their efforts to integrate technologies into accessing healthcare. Through the telemedicine program I have been able to meet with my Helena-based provider while living in Billings. This has saved me many hours of travel and allowed me continuity of care over the years with one of my mental health providers. I applaud the VA for their attempts to expand access to care through the myHealth secure messaging services and tele-med programs.

Unfortunately there are still some major flaws in providing veterans, like myself, access to the care we need. Here is one of several of the situations I have personally dealt with. Last Fall, I was fighting a persistent case of bronchitis. I had been seen by my primary care provider here in Billings, had undergone a round of antibiotics, and was still not getting any better. My primary care provider decided that it would be best for me to see an Ear, Nose and Throat specialist to make sure there was nothing more serious going on.  I agreed, expecting to be referred to a local specialist for an appointment. I found out that I was referred to the Ear, Nose and Throat specialist in Helena. I made arrangements to get an appointment the following week, made arrangements to miss a day of class, and traveled the eight-hour round trip drive to Helena. While in Helena I was seen by the provider for a total of 15 minutes and was asked to return for a quick follow up appointment in a month. Due to the nature of the traumatic brain injury that I sustained in Iraq, driving for more that an hour or two at a time can be incredibly taxing and exhausting for me. So to travel to Helena, I drive 2 hours to Bozeman, stay the nightwith family, and the next day drive the remaining 2 hours to Helena, see my doctor, drive back to Bozeman, and finish the remainder of the trip to Billings the following morning. Simply put it takes me 3 days to drive to Helena for what turned out to be a 15-minute appointment with a specialist. This burden of being required to make such a long drive for such a simple appointment lead me not to follow up with the doctor regardless of the potential for further medical consequences.

Another situation that I encountered was about 2 years ago. I found out that I needed to have a colposcopy, an in-office procedure in which they take cervical biopsies to check abnormal cell growth for signs of cancer. I have had the procedure before and knowing that it is quite painful afterwards, was not eager to have to go to Helena, so I contacted my primary care provider to arrange for a fee-based appointment to get the biopsies done by a local OBGYN office. She stated that I would have to call the Helena VA Hospital to arrange the referral. After a series of 5 phone calls to different people who did not know how or by whom I was to be seen, I was finally told that I would have to be seen in Helena for the procedure, and was transferred to schedule the appointment. In trying to schedule the appointment I was told that, on top of having to go to Helena, it would be a 3 month wait for an appointment, and the provider that would be doing the procedure was a male. I expressed my concerns about waiting 3 months to get the biopsy, and asked if there was any way of being seen sooner. I also expressed my preference to be seen by a qualified female provider. I was told ‘no’ to both requests.

The only way that the VA would provide or pay for the procedure would be in Helena, in 3 months, with a male doctor. None of this was sufficient given the threat of cancer, and I canceled the appointment. I was seen by a local female doctor 10 days later and paidfor the procedure with $300 out of my own pocket, funds that are scarcely affordable as a full-time student. Since that time I have received all my GYN care through my own means outside of the VA in order to secure timely and appropriate medical attention.

I hesitate to go to the VA for care because my experience is that they will blindly send me to Helena to be seen. Even without the difficulties of TBI to contend with, I still find it hard to sacrifice an entire day, eight-hours round trip, to be seen for only a few minutes, or to receive any kind of care that could be otherwise offered at high-quality medical facilities we have right here in Billings. And I know I am not the only veteran in Montana with this opinion. Most veterans that I talk to about this problem do not use the VA healthcare system because they are frustrated by two things. First is the waitingtimes of 2 to 3 months to be seen; and secondly, being sent to either Helena or even out of state for care. Our newest veterans are young and busy with school, jobs, and family. These wait times and travel expectations are not reasonable standards of care.

I respectfully ask that the priority of the Veterans Healthcare Administration be a level of care for our veterans that meets the average standards and expectations of civilian healthcare. This will require the VA to work with community resources that are available and eager to help. And the willingness to refer veterans to local civilian clinics in these frequent situations where travel, scheduling delays, and pressing health demands shouldbe taken into consideration in the standard of care. Thank you again for your time.

To read the full testimony of the panel members you can visit: http://veterans.senate.gov/hearings.cfm?action=release.display&release_id=b746748e-c2ae-4ae0-ab26-ed02e850f9f6

Update

So I haven't posted in awhile.  When I first started this blog I was thinking it would be mostly about what I was up to in the gym, but I don't have enough to say about just that.  I'm still in the gym a ton, but nothing fun to share about.  I find myself wanting to post all sorts of random stuff here, so I think I will.  I am going to try to keep from getting too political or religious (or lack thereof) But I think I am going to venture beyond just the gym and talk about what lights a fire for me in veterans advocacy, health and fitness, and some of those things that are just a part of life.  I also joined a creative writing group for female vets, so I'll probably share some of my writing here too.  I'm enjoying to some reflecting and writing on things past.

I am still waiting for final word on a few good things, but I hopefully will have more to share soon about more talks with Senators, spending time with female vets in the sliding rock desert of Utah, and hopefully a job opportunity.

Thanks for checking in, I'll keep you posted!

Round Table with Senator Tester

I got the opportunity to attend a round table discussion on issues facing women veteran.  I'd say it went pretty well.  As with any meeting of this nature an hour is really not enough time.  I feel that I got to make a couple really good points and that the Senator heard what I was saying.

First, I have met many female veterans who don't know that they are eligible for VA healthcare.  They think that because their injuries or mental health issues are non-combat related they can't seek help.  Yes, there are some eligibility requirements, but if you've served even a day on active duty, or met income standards you are eligible for care.  If you are hurt in a training accident or hurt behind the wire on deployment you still can seek VA care.  If you are not sure, call the local VA and ask.  You served your country, you earned these benefits.
 
I did learn something new:  If you are the victim of Military Sexual Trauma you can seek help through the VA or Vet Center, for free as long as you need, regardless of meeting any other eligibly requirements.  MST includes not only sexual assault and rape, also sexual harassment.  If you feel that you are struggling with issues related to MST call the VA or Vet Center today.


Second, I have met many females that feel that they don't deserve VA healthcare.  Somehow they are not a "real" veteran.  If you stepped up and served, whether behind the wire, outside the wire, or stateside you did your job and you deserve access to VA healthcare, so go get it.  As females we struggle to fit in in the military, we are often told that we are not good enough or shouldn't be there.  Well, we ARE good enough, we SHOULD be there, and we ARE kicking ass as soldiers, sailors, airmen, and Marines.  We earn our benefits just the same as any male veteran.  Don't ever hesitate to ask for what you deserve.

We also spent some time discussing female specific healthcare, and in Montana there is some issues with OBGYN.  But the issues are being addressed currently.  The system is evolving as fast as it can to welcome our new young female veterans.  So be patient it is getting better, and they are listening.  If you are a women veteran in Montana and you need help accessing any kind of care, gender specific or not, or you just have questions please call Jonna Brenton, Women Veteran Program Manger, (406) 447-7315.

America and the VA are both still coming to terms with the fact that women are a growing part of our military.  This brings its trials and tribulations.  Always remember that we served with pride and we deserve no less than any other veteran out there.  

The Billings Gazette coverage of our meeting

Make the decision

I decided recently that I need to work on my running.  Like everything else we do, weightlifting, swimming, skiing, etc, running is a skill.  It is something that can be practiced and improved.  This was a fairly big revelation to me.  I had always just told myself "oh, I'm just not a runner.."  But I've never really tried, practiced, or trained my running.  I decided now it is time to practice my running.  I have no intentions of running a marathon, but maybe a 5k.  And being a better, more confident runner will make huge impacts on my Crossfit, and hopefully give me a good jump start into this years backpacking season.

Last night I had big plans of getting up early, getting to the gym for some oly lifting and then going for a run... (I'm starting the Couch-to-5k that everyone raves about)  I woke up at 5:00am with a killer migraine and thought, great, my day is shot..  PJ got me some tylenol and I went back to bed after turning off my alarm.

A few hours later when I finally got up, I felt like I had been hit by a train, my body and neck ache, but the migraines gone (thumbs up)  That's the moment I had to make a decision. Resign myself to the pain and waste the day in front of Facebook, or follow through with my original plan.

I went for my first run of the year.  It was a relatively easy walk/run interval.  But it felt good to be out in the cool crisp air.  I thought a lot about footfall, stride, and my breathing, and I broke a good sweat.

And now I feel great.  Yeah, my back and neck still hurt, but I didn't give in.  Now I am off to do some light oly lifting and than a massage.

I made a decision.  Instead of giving in, feeling sorry for myself, and wasting my day.  I went for a run, and am going to have a great day.

Now, it's your turn to make a decision.