Thursday, December 15, 2011

The end of the Iraq war, & what it means to me.

US War in Iraq Officially Ends - USA Today Article

I find myself a little dumb stuck thinking about the fact that the Iraq war, my war, is over.  Granted, I'm glad.  I think we should have been out of there years ago.  But on some level, I thought it would never end during my lifetime.  And now, it's done.  With no media blitz, just a quiet folding of the flag.

It's been 9 years, 4,474 American lives, and countless Iraqi civilians.  Not to forget those wounded, both physically and emotionally.  We've paid a huge price... and for what?  I don't really want to debate the politics of it.  I have my opinion, as sure as you have yours, and that's not what this post is about.

I was called to active duty in March 2003 (the very beginning of it all), arrived in Kuwait in May and then onto Iraq.  I spent a year of my life in that country.  And have thought of it every day since.  I have struggled to overcome the devastating affects on PTSD on my life and my family.  I have had surgery to try to fix the physical wounds.  Everyday I am reminded in some way of the time I spent in Baghdad.

As I sit at the keyboard, trying to make sense of what I am feeling today, I realize that most of all, I don't want to be forgotten.  I don't want my brothers and sisters to be lost.  We, as a nation that chose this path, must continue to care for those that have fought for us.

I don't want my war to be forgotten.




From my turret.


Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Pain in my... Shoulder

I have been having problems with my shoulder and wrist (worse than usual that is) for the past few months, so today I finally got in to see the doctor. I was really scared that he would either say I needed another surgery or that he would tell me nothing was wrong...

I can't decide if it is good news or bad news that I got...well, it's bad news, but at least I have answers. The doctor was awesome in showing my the xrays and very clearly explaining everything to me in a way no one has before.

First, there is a bone flake/chip in my wrist. The only way such a flake occurs is a hard impact (like an IED...) Nothing can be done to fix it, but it explains the wrist problems.. Good to know.

Second, the shoulder... Apparently when the other doctor operated a couple years ago he detached two fairly important ligaments. Now that it is done it can't really be fixed. And by doing that he created a very unstable joint. Apparently the technique he used isn't usually done on anyone under 40, because it usually doesn't work and only causes more problems in the long run. So basically the pain is from my shoulder moving around too much in the join creating a bunch of extra wear and tear. My best course of action is some focused strength work to get my shoulder girdle stronger to compensate for the missing ligaments. I can keep lifting/crossfitting (Good news!). But I will fight flair ups the rest of my life and maybe some day a shoulder replacement.

It's one of those things... I'm glad to have the explanation and understand (Knowledge is Power!) But I also hate the notion that this may be a life long cycle... I am going to try to focus on the positive: I survived that IED, and everything I have been through has only made me stronger and more driven in my life. I would not be where I am today if I had not been blown up. And I love my life and the people in it.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Update on the latest events


I've done two events in the last couple months.  Both lots of fun.  

In October I did the "Amazing Grace" Barbells for Boobs fundraiser.  It is a fundraiser for mammograms and breast cancer screening and treatment.  The workout was "Grace" 30 clean and jerks for time.  I went lighter than usually and only did 65# (95# is RX for women, I'm not even close to that yet...)  The last time I did this workout I did 75# in 7:46.  For this event I did 65# in 4:01.  Technically not a PR, but what the heck, I had fun.   This was the first Crossfit type competition that I've done.  It's intense, the crowd was sooo loud and the energy was amazing!




Then this past Saturday I competed in the Team Event at Alternative Athletics (my gym) annual competition called Pukie's Bash.  Our team was a group of misfits, but we had a grand time.  We went all out with team uniforms and just had fun (which is what it was really all about!)  The team workout was basically an obstacle course that we had to haul a bunch of weight through.  I managed to rug burn my shoulders, elbows, and thumb will my killer low crawl technique!

Our team name was What Would Jed Do?  Jed wasn't on our team, but he is a total badass, so we idolize him.

Our Team: Sara, Tyler, Jed, Nate, and me.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

You have to work for it

Every so often I get a comment on how it is "not fair" that I am so skinny, I won't totally disagree, I got lucky on some good genes.  But over the last year I have been working hard to be healthy too.  I learned that skinny doesn't equal healthy.  And skinny, in your eyes, does not mean that I like my body or that I have much positive self-esteem.  


I started CrossFit about a year ago.  For the last nine months I have been "competing" in my gyms "Get Fit Challenge" which is committing to a nutritional plan of choice and working out.  I do my best to eat as paleo as I can (usually about 80% paleo, most of the 20% being sweets and beer...)  I do my best to be at the gym 3-4 workouts per week.  Well, I just took my nine month "after" photos today, and I can say my hard work is paying off.  I have lost 12 lbs since January and dropped a full pants size, plus a little.  I finally like my body, and for the first time ever I feel sexy in a bikini.  On top of the aesthetic gains I have been able to stay off of all my anti-depressents and anxiety medications.  I can say that I have ever had this much self-confidence.  


But it has been a LOT of work!  And work that I have come to love and look forward to everyday.  So the next time someone makes a judging comment about how it's "not fair" that I am skinny, I will point out that I work hard to be healthy.  I have decided to commit the time to improve my life.  And they can have it too, there is no secret potion.  It is a commitment to eating real food and working your body hard.





Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Fight Gone Bad 6


Every year thousands of athletes worldwide come together to help raise money for several worthy charities during the CrossFit Fight Gone Bad event.  Fight Gone Bad is a highly demanding 17-minute workout combining a variety of weight lifts and rowing.  This years charity recipients were Camp Patriot, Special Operation Warriors Foundation, and CrossFit Kids.  Camp Patriot is located in Libby MT and provides access to outdoor adventures for disabled veterans from all over the United States.  Special Operations Warriors Foundation helps to provide a college education to all the kids whose fathers are killed while serving in Special Operations units.  Alternative Athletics gym in Billings MT worked together to raise over $5,000.  International the event raised over $2.2 million.
            
This year I had the honor of getting to compete in Fight Gone Bad for myself.  I was wounded in Iraq in 2004. Some years after I was wounded I was given the opportunity to go on an all expenses paid hunting trip in Dillon MT from the Wounded Warriors Project.  It was such an amazing experience to be so openly welcomed and supported by the Dillon community.  It was also the first time in a long time that I was able to hang out with my brother, go hunting as we had as kids, and just remember a part of myself that I had lost in the trauma of war.  I also just came home from an outdoor combat veterans retreat in Colorado that was again amazing and eye opening.  I am so excited and proud to have the opportunity to raise funds for Camp Patriot this year.  Outdoors therapy and the support to overcome physical and mental disabilities are so vital to a wounded warriors recovery.    


I wrote that for the American Legion Post 117 Newsletter.  Pretty well sums things up.  FGB was a great experience.  It was nice to be on the giving end of these charities instead of the receiving end.  But to also understand how crucial the work they do is.  I am disappointed with how my actual FGB workout went, but I am fighting with some pulled stomach muscles and had to slow it down more than I wanted too.  I kind of felt like I let someone, something, and myself down with that.  But it is what it is, and there is always next year to raise more money and do more reps.  I have to remember that 10 months ago I wouldn't have even been able to finish this workout at all.  So I am proud of that.


Even made the news that night


Push Press
More Push Press
Wall Ball

Next is an Oly meet in October and Pukies Bash (Crossfit competition) in November.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

I remember

I have been told, repeatedly, that I should write my story.  I'm not sure how.  But tonight I did write for a bit.  I was reminiscing today and reading the correspondence my Mom saved while I was gone.  I remembered a few things, little memories that I don't want to loose.  So I wrote tonight.  Here's what I wrote:
_____________________________________________


I remember our first nights in Baghdad.  We slept on the roof of our building on the edge of the Tigris river.  The sky would darken and the air would cool ever so slightly.  I would sit on my cot and slowly smoke a last cigarette of the night, always my favorite smoke of the day.  I would look over the oily black sheen of the river to city across from me.  I could here the guns in the streets.  Knowing other soldiers were out there fighting for their lives, just to get through another night.  I could see fires from bombing burn late in to the night.  I remember finishing that last cigarette and finding an absurd calm in the midst of the fighting around me.  I would lay down pulling a single cover over myself and drift off to the sounds of guns in the distance, hoping that no rounds would stray our way and that I would wake up in the morning.  

I remember an old man with a tray of bread.  He was rather small and frail, he wore a dishdasha.  And he didn’t just carry his tray of bread, he had a tray of neatly stacked rings of bread, each precisely laid on top of the next.  He kept this tray balanced on his head.  He didn’t say much, we knew the deal as well as he did.  We would pull out a few dinar and flag him down.  He would stoop, we would take a few rings of bread gently off the top of the stack.  He would pocket the dinar, thank us repeatedly and continue on his way down the street with a tray of bread rings balanced on his head so carefully.  

I remember the mortars.  At first they were terrifying.  I could taste the burnt powder and chemicals left in the air as they went over.  We would all seek cover, waiting in silence for an all clear.  Quickly the mortars became nothing but a nuisance.  We knew they would come, twice a night, and they would miss us again.  I would stay up a little longer, smoke one more cigarette, waiting for the first rounds of the night.  Then I would go to bed, it wouldn’t take long before I started sleeping through them.  

I remember the kids at the orphanages.  They damn near rioted when they saw us.  They knew we had presents for them.  Paper, pencils, pens, and candy; not wanted by the soldiers.  Nothing but leftovers and garbage to us was pure treasure to these kids.  They would crowd the trucks, wanting to touch us and our gear.  Admiring our radios, guns, and pockets.  Little hands reaching out to touch and grab at our gear.  My logic know they were just curious excited kids, but my adrenaline would pump, I would brush them off.  I would try to smile and be nice as I pushed them away.  I remember one particular orphanage the boys were aggressive to see us and talk to us.  The girls stayed to the back.  The kids got too riled up and we decided it was safer if we just left.  As we pulled out of the compound the boys began throwing rocks at me and laughing.  I remember looking past them and seeing several girls standing in the barred windows of an old concrete building.  Like small dirty faces from a prison window; their hands gripped the bars, as they watched us go.  They looked so scared and so sad.  I can’t imagine the fate of a young girl orphaned in a country like Iraq.  

I remember sitting out back of our building in the hot sun.  I would put on head phones and turn up the music as I cleaned my weapons.  I remember the smell of the gun oil and the feel of the metal in my hands as I wiped the dirt and grim of the city streets away.  Piece by piece I would pull my weapon apart, examine it, clean it, take a long slow drag of my cigarette.  It was like mediation, it was time inside myself, inside the quiet.  I would finish cleaning my weapons, reassemble them, check to make sure I had done it right, and check again.  I remember setting my weapon in my lap, folding my hands over it, taking another long slow drag of my cigarette, that now tasted like the gun oil on my hands.  I would close my eyes, tilt my head back and just soak in the heat, the quiet, and the calm of that short moment in time.   

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Colorado Women Veterans Retreat

A couple of weeks ago I got the opportunity to go to Colorado for 6 days for a outdoor retreat with 30 female veterans who had all served in the Iraq and Afghanistan wars.  What a week!

When I first got the email from my counselor about the retreat I wasn't too sure about the idea.  But I realized this is where I have to "face the fin."  For myself, I considered it an accomplishment just to take the chance to fill the application out and send it back.  I never really thought I would be picked to go.  So when I got the email saying I had been selected my anxiety went through the roof!  Traveling alone, to a place I'd never been, to meet up with a bunch of strangers?  Waaaay outside my comfort zone.  But I knew I had to do it.  I have spend a lot of time and energy in the last three years working to conquer my PTSD.  I still fight my anxiety, my first inclination is to say no and go somewhere safe.  Even my Mom was totally surprised when I told her that I was going on this adventure.

It was a pretty amazing week.  To have the opportunity to be around 30 other women who have been through similar situation I have was really a relief.  We had classes to learn about what stress does to the body, and new skills to try to calm and collect ourselves.  We spent lots of time in small groups talking and sharing our stories.  Learning to open up and trust.  I cried. A lot...  But I'm known to do that.  And it felt good to be in an environment where nobody judged me for it.  It was so great to see many of these women open up and identify what they were struggling with: guilty, anger, depression, isolation...  To realize that they are not alone, and that there are ways to slowly let go and move past some of that pain.  It was amazing to see that though each of us had a slightly different focus, and each of us wanted to take home something slightly different, we are all able to support each other so completely.

Coping with these overwhelming emotions take practice.  I think that is one of the biggest things I learned.  I already knew it, but it was good to hear again.  And to look at where I am now in my life and look at what skills I want to practice as I move forward.

As I look back on the retreat I realize that the last few years of hard work on myself are paying off.  I have come such a loong way from the rage, fear, and isolation that I was living in.  And that there is still room for me to move forward to even more calm and center in my life.  Also, I am about to embark on my Masters in Rehabilitation and Mental Health Counseling.  I've been questioning if I can do it, if it's a good fit or choice for me.  This retreat gave me so much confidence and sparked some new excitement for this next leg of my journey.  I am capable.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

It is my therapy

On a recent post a friend (who also has an amazing story of over coming so much) asked me:
"Having an athletic endeavor has been very therapeutic for me, how about you?"  


I decided this question deserved it's own post.  My friend is a triathlete and will be competing in her first full Ironman in a few days (Kick ass girl!).  So we are in very different sports, both style and level, and mentality.  But we both have found so much in our chosen endeavor.


CrossFit is my therapy.  It's sooo cliché but CrossFit has changed my life.  Two big things that have slowed me down over that last several years are dealing with chronic pain all through my left arm from the IED I was in.  And some pretty major issues with anxiety.  I tend to avoid new people and new places, so joining a new gym was frightening.  It took me several months and the support of a friend to help get me to finally go in.  In November 2010 I finally met Katie (one of the owners of Alternative Athletics) and did my "Newbie Shuffle."  It is a 10 minute workout, 10 minutes... and I could not finish the workout.  Katie stopped me about minute 6 for fear that I would hurt my shoulder or pass out...  It was ugly, and embarrassing for me.  I thought about never going back, but a part of me hates how I give up and give into the fear of not being perfect.  


So, I went back, again and again.  Every day I had to overcome my anxiety telling me to run away and go home where it was safe.  Many days in the beginning I drove past the gym and had to circle the block, taking long slow breathes and talk myself into parking and walking in.  And every day that I overcame that, the next day got a little bit easier.  It's been about 10 months and now I am bummed on the days that I can't make it too the gym.  My coaches have worked with me to slowly rebuild the strength in my shoulder and helped me to learn to trust and push my body.  Yesterday was one of those days.  I never thought I could finish a workout like that.  But I did, I over came the physical pain and overcame my desire to quit.  I am afraid to fail, but I also expect myself to be perfect.  Every day at CrossFit I learn that I am not perfect, but I am leaps and bounds ahead of the people who haven't gotten off the couch yet.  


Alternative Athletics isn't just a gym either, we are a family.  I have made so many new friends, people that help me continue to overcome my anxiety and push me to my full potential. They have been there for me through some bad times and helped me celebrate the good.  I am doing social things that surprise even me.  Travel that would have been to overwhelming and scary a year ago, psshh! I'm in now.  And I owe so much of it to the amazing community at Alternative Athletics.  


Not only is there all the emotional, anxiety relief, and community support that my gym brings.  but over all health.  A big thing in our gym is eating to fuel your body best.  I was introduced to the Paleo nutritional plan.  The focus is on eating lots of lean proteins, veggies, healthy fats, some fruits and nuts and seeds.  No grain, legumes, or sugar.  I've almost always been on the skinnier side, but always soft.  I've never liked my body.  Once I went paleo that all changed.  I have leaned out more than I thought I could (dropped 14 pounds even) Lost inches off my thighs and tummy and am back down a pant size.  All things I thought were not possible.  I really do love my body now.  I actually feel sexy.  I even bought a couple of string bikini's for a trip to Chico Hot Springs and for the first time ever, I felt like one of the best looking girls there.  On top of all of that, paleo (especially getting rid of grain) has helped reduce how much my joints ache, has reduced the chronic pain problems with my shoulder, and has helped my gut to work a whole lot better (used to have some digestion upset stomach problems).  I use to have problems with my blood sugar crashing and HAD to eat ever hour or two.  No more!!  I know it's the diet because when I "cheat" or slack and start eating to much grain the pain and gut problems come back.  If I eat a very grain based meal a couple hours later my blood sugar crashes and I feel tired and sick like I used too.  And in all honesty, I like to eat, and I like to eat even more now with a paleo diet.


So yes, having an athletic endeavor has been very therapeutic for me!  It has given me so much in my day-to-day life.  And on those bad days I can just go and get lost in the suck of my workout.  And when I am done, everything seems to be a little bit better.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Painful

Today was a purely mental game in the gym, painful...  I did two workouts yesterday, and was sore today, I felt that I had no go-juice in the muscles. But I want my 5 workouts a week, so I went into the gym.  It's pushing through the tired sore days that makes me stronger.  

The workout shouldn't have been that tough, a combo of snatches and overhead squats.  But ever rep hurt, my technique was crap, my head wasn't wrapping around it, by the third round (of ten) I just wanted to quit... I was hating the workout and hating myself for sucking so bad at it.  It took me twice as long as it should have.  ...But I finished... 

Part of what I have come to love about crossfit (and oly lifting) is the suck.  Those days that ever fiber of my body hurts, my brain hurts, even some days my pride hurts.. But I suck it up and I keep going back.  And after I suffered through that workout, nothing else today can seem that bad.  Any day that I finish a workout is a good day.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Back from vacation

Two weeks of traveling and eating not so great... pay back from that is a b**ch!  I made it to the gym 3 times this week.  Yesterday's oly lifting was a train wreck...  Oh well, it was a great vacation with PJ, got to meet ALL of his family. 12 days on the road, 2700 miles and we didn't kill each other :)

Don't think I have any sort of competitions til September or October at this point.  Just time to focus on making some progress.  Which I am looking forward too.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Videos!

So here is the videos from Big Sky State Games

Snatch:


Clean and Jerk:


I'm pretty happy with my technique.  I plan on spending some time now focusing on some strength work.

Alternative Athletics Team

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Big Sky State Games

Yesterday I oly lifted in the Big Sky State Games.  There was one other girl in my weight class (58kg class).  And I won gold!  I totally had no expectations going into this meet, I am still learning and getting stronger.  So that was super cool to get the gold legit style!

My snatches were 38kg, 42kg, and I missed my 46kg attempt.  (83.6#, 92.4#, and missed 101.2#)
My Clean and jerks were 47kg, 50kg, and 53kg.  (103.4# 110# 116.6#)
That was a new personal best in both lifts.

All in all a good day, I'm surprised and very happy with the outcome.  Tentatively there will be another oly meet in October.  I plan on focusing on strength training for a while now.  I feel pretty good with my technique, I just want to bigger lifts now.

There is some photos and video to come.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Competition

Turns out there are 2 other girls lifting in my weight class... That's a little added pressure.  Either way, I will give it my best, set some new PRs (personal records) for myself, and I'm happy.  If I manage to beat either of them it'll just be icing on the cake!

Olympic Lifting

Saturday is the Montana Big Sky State games, athletes from all over the state in a ton of different sports get together and compete.  This year, lucky for me, is the first year they will be having olympic lifting.  So Saturday will be my second meet.  I don't really expect there to be anyone else in my weight bracket, so I'm mostly competing again myself.  But that's ok, I've only been doing this a few months.

I thought I'd take a minute to educate and clarify about olympic lifting because I keep getting asked what events I'll be doing.  Which is ok, olympic lifting isn't hugely popular.  When most people think of competitive lifting, they are thinking of power lifting: bench press, squats, and dead lift. Power lifting vs. Olympic lifting are two very different things.  Power lifting is more about sheer brute strength.  Olympic lifting involves a huge amount of technique to make a successful lift.  In power lifting you can compete in 2 or 3 events (the lifts I mentioned before).  Olympic lifting is always both a snatch, and a clean and jerk.  You always do both lifts, you have three attempts at each lift.  Your best lift from each is added together for your final score.  Your lifts also have to meet some technical requirements, so you have three judges watching you.  I won't get into the details.

Here's a snatch:



Here's a clean and jerk:

(What's amazing is that girl is smaller than me and lifting nearly double what I lift right now.... Her snatch was about 187lbs in that clip, and the clean and jerk was 220lbs... can you say beast?)

Anyways... So I've been getting ready for the state games.  I'm a little nervous, my snatch has been kind of a train wreck the last couple weeks.  I've been missing weights that I've hit before.  I'm hoping the adrenaline of being in front of the crowd snaps me out of it.  Oly lifting can be as much mental as physical, it is so easy to psych yourself out and think too much causing you to miss a lift.

My plan is to open at 38kg on the snatch (about 85#).  My goal is to hit 46kg (100#) but we'll see how the day goes.  I'm comfortable with my clean and jerk.  I'm going to open at 48kg (105#) maybe shoot for 55kg or 57kg (120# or 125#).

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

More back story

I guess that there is still some more back story... After I got home from Iraq I began to struggle with some major depression issues.  For about two years (maybe more) I didn't leave my house, I didn't eat or shower or sleep.  I was never really suicidal, but there were may days I wished for a major accident to end it for me.  I flunked out of college.  I struggle with pain in my shoulder, my doctors told me that if it hurts don't do it.  So I stopped living life, I grew up doing sports, but I was afraid to do anything that would cause me physical pain, and my anxiety kept me trapped in the house.  After about 5 years I hit a point where I had to have shoulder surgery, the nature of the joint separation I had makes it only get worse with time.  In October 2009 I quit my job, had shoulder surgery, and shortly after moved to a new town to start college again at a new university. 

After my shoulder surgery I was still cautious about using my body, afraid to cause myself any more pain.  I started dating an amazing man, Pryor, who is active and was on his own journey to be stronger, leaner, and all around healthier.  I wanted to keep up with him.  I was beginning to see how much of life I was avoiding and how sick and out of shape I was.  I tried a variety of things: going back to Aikido, swimming laps, going to the gym on campus, changing my diet.  None of it was quite doing what I wanted, I was bored at the gym and needed something different.  After some searching and listening to a friend of mine talk about CrossFit, I thought what the hell, I'll try that. 

It actually took a couple of months to conquer my anxiety of going to a new place, putting myself out there, and joining a new gym.  I finally got the courage to go to Alternative Athletics.  It's a CrossFit gym.  CrossFit focuses on functional fitness, instead of isolating muscles and hours of cardio, we use our whole body and do shorter high intensity workouts.  It is definitely intense.  We also focus on community, we are not just a gym, but a family (actually CrossFit gets accused of being "cult" like, we're so tight)  At Alternative Athletics they do a free workout to see what it's like.  The Newbie Shuffle is a 10 minute workout of rowing, box jumps, and wall balls.  I could not finish a 10 minute workout.... Katie stopped me about minute 6 because I felt like I was going to blackout...  It was awful and embarrassing.  I was the skinny fat kid, I look fine from the outside, but I was in awful dangerous bad shape, I ate terribly and was quite sedentary. 

At first I was embarrassed and thought of never going back to that gym.  But I realized that I couldn't do that, I had to change.  I had to face the fin and learn to live again.  I've now been crossfitting for about 8 months.  I love it, I hate any day that I don't get to the gym.  I love feeling stronger, every workout is a challenge.  I've met so many great people.  It has helped give me confidence in all aspects of my life.  I am coping better with my anxiety and have been able to get off all of my prescription medications (except a sleep aid, but I cut way down on the dose of that).  I also started Olympic lifting.  It's super technical, which my analytical brain loves.  I've only began to get strong and healthy again, but I want more.

Back story

Me getting geared up for a mission - 2004
First my goal is to talk about my life as veteran and as a (kind of) athlete.  I do tend to ramble and get off subject, or periodically jump on my soap box about something, but this is my life, my story, and my passions.

So I mentioned in the first post that I had PTSD, guess a lot of my story starts there.  In March 2003 I was deployed in support of Operation Iraqi Freedom.  I was stationed in Baghdad, Iraq from May 2003 until May 2004.  I know I didn't have the hardest tour in the world, but it definitely was not an easy year.  I turned 19 years old sitting in Kuwait, waiting for orders to go to Iraq as a part of the 143d Military Police Detachment.  We were a Law and Order unit, trained specifically for state side garrison work.  I enlisted July 2001, as in before the 9/11 terrorist attacks.  I joined the Montana National Guard to serve my country, but mostly to support my state.  I planned on years of helping with summer forrest fires and spring floods.  Never did I imagine my ass would land in combat...

I ended up working the year as a M249 humvee gunner.  Basically my job was to be the eyes and ears of the convoy.  Our detachment ran in two and three truck convoys, our main mission was to help re-build the Baghdad police department.  We were outside of the wire nearly everyday, running around town to meetings and police stations.  Our detachment had many close calls, and had a few of our own injured.  I had several friends critically wounded throughout the year, every time it tore my apart.  Our battalion had suffered one combat related death, SPC Michelle Witmer.  I didn't know her, but I knew her two sisters who were also serving in Iraq at the same time.  Michelle was the same age and rank as me, from a small town like me, and working as a gunner the night she was killed.  Her death shook my to my core.  I will never forget the day we learned about it, or her memorial service, or her family.  

During the last few weeks of our tour my squad finally ran out of luck and was hit an IED.  We were coming back from the Baghdad International Airport to our camp along the famous IED Alley, Route Irish when it happened.  I don't remember a hole lot.  But I remember looking at my hands to see if they were still there, I remember not wanting to look down into the truck below me, afraid of what might have happened.  But we got lucky, no major injuries (which I attribute to the up armored trucks we had just got)  We had some truck damage and flat tires.  The gunner in the second truck, Jensen, sustained some cuts from shrapnel.  As we got out of that situation, I knew something was wrong with me, but wasn't sure what.  As the adrenaline wore off my shoulder started to hurt, bad.  My forearm and thumb would not stop spasming.  After a few days of obnoxious muscle spasms my hand just went numb.  I stayed and finished the last few weeks of our tour.  It wasn't until I was home (and still with a lot of pain in my arm and no feeling in my hand) that I learned I had separated my shoulder and crushed the nerves in my shoulder, elbow and wrist.  Years later I also learned that I must have suffered a concussion that day too, as I struggle with cognitive issues and chronic migraines from a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI).  I also suffer from PTSD as a result of many situations I faced that year.  I have struggled with severe depression and anxiety, as well as a host of other problems.  As a result of that day I was awarded the Purple Heart and Combat Action Badge.

Well, that's enough for now... it's kind of the ground work for the rest of my story.

Face the Fin

First thing I have to do is give credit to where I stole my blog name from.  CrossFit Lisbeth is a great site.  She recently did a blog post on facing the f***ing fin in the water. (Go read it at that link I just gave you!)  This is how I have been trying to face the world lately.  

"Anyhow, my point is: Face the f***ing fin. (I love alliteration.) For too long, you have sat in the boat, worrying and waiting . . . and wondering. Wondering what life would be like if you just said, “F** it. Let’s do this.” If you just decided to throw down and go for it. If you just opened your heart and soul and body and just laid everything on the line, whether it’s in CrossFit, in your job, in your family, in your personal relationships. What could happen?"

Wow...  I'll tell you more later, but the quick story is I suffer from anxiety related to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).  It has left me afraid of the world.  But I'm realizing that if I face the fin and dive in, some of the most amazing things happen.  So despite my fears, here I go.