A couple of weeks ago I got the opportunity to go to Colorado for 6 days for a outdoor retreat with 30 female veterans who had all served in the Iraq and Afghanistan wars. What a week!
When I first got the email from my counselor about the retreat I wasn't too sure about the idea. But I realized this is where I have to "face the fin." For myself, I considered it an accomplishment just to take the chance to fill the application out and send it back. I never really thought I would be picked to go. So when I got the email saying I had been selected my anxiety went through the roof! Traveling alone, to a place I'd never been, to meet up with a bunch of strangers? Waaaay outside my comfort zone. But I knew I had to do it. I have spend a lot of time and energy in the last three years working to conquer my PTSD. I still fight my anxiety, my first inclination is to say no and go somewhere safe. Even my Mom was totally surprised when I told her that I was going on this adventure.
It was a pretty amazing week. To have the opportunity to be around 30 other women who have been through similar situation I have was really a relief. We had classes to learn about what stress does to the body, and new skills to try to calm and collect ourselves. We spent lots of time in small groups talking and sharing our stories. Learning to open up and trust. I cried. A lot... But I'm known to do that. And it felt good to be in an environment where nobody judged me for it. It was so great to see many of these women open up and identify what they were struggling with: guilty, anger, depression, isolation... To realize that they are not alone, and that there are ways to slowly let go and move past some of that pain. It was amazing to see that though each of us had a slightly different focus, and each of us wanted to take home something slightly different, we are all able to support each other so completely.
Coping with these overwhelming emotions take practice. I think that is one of the biggest things I learned. I already knew it, but it was good to hear again. And to look at where I am now in my life and look at what skills I want to practice as I move forward.
As I look back on the retreat I realize that the last few years of hard work on myself are paying off. I have come such a loong way from the rage, fear, and isolation that I was living in. And that there is still room for me to move forward to even more calm and center in my life. Also, I am about to embark on my Masters in Rehabilitation and Mental Health Counseling. I've been questioning if I can do it, if it's a good fit or choice for me. This retreat gave me so much confidence and sparked some new excitement for this next leg of my journey. I am capable.
Yes, you are capable! You have come such a long way and your experiences are what will help you be a fabulous asset in your field. Sounds like the women at the retreat are your support group -- which is great. We all need people we can "dump" on who understand and don't judge. Who listen, who "hug" and then help you move on. Congratulations for not letting the fear, which is so strong, keep you from doing these great things!
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