The PTSD still lurks

Post Traumatic Stress is a fluid part of my life.  I am at a place where some days I can forget about it for a time, and other days it sneaks up on me.  A couple of days ago was the horrific bombing in Boston at the finish line of the Boston Marathon.  I watch the news for hours.  I looked through tons of photos on the internet, taking in the aftermath.  I even chatted for a while with a law enforcement friend about the device used, and what that likely says about the perpetrator.  Use to be that kind of media, violence, and graphic footage would put me in a tail spin and ultimately trigger a panic attack.  This time it didn't.   I marveled at the human spirit of those that ran into the chaos to provide care, and I shuttered at the devastation of life and limb and blood in the streets. 

But here, 2 days later, I feel the PTSD lurking, even peeking over my shoulder today.  I spent too much time looking at the news on Monday, and today the subject still hasn't gone away.  I'm edgy, overwhelmed, and tired.  I've been in the blast radius before.  And my heart aches for every person that was in that blast radius on Monday.  I feel for their families, knowing the road that lies ahead of them.  I want to reach out to everyone of them.  Hug them and tell them it will be okay.

The victims and families of Monday's attack have a long journey ahead. With both physical and emotional wounds deeper than they may even realize yet.  I want to say it's all ok and it all goes away.  But that's a lie in a way.  It doesn't go away.  It gets easy, more manageable, and not so in-your-face.  But I find that to this day, 9 years after I was caught in the blast radius, that the PTSD still lurks ever so often peeking over my shoulder to remind me of its presence.  And I still have hope that someday it will truly be gone.

What's Next?

I definitely learned a lot about myself during that sugar detox.  So I'm trying to keep some of that in mind as the weeks go on.  I've looked for some less sugar sweets in the evening (dark chocolate!)  And try hard to avoid treats during the day as well.  I'm still toying with gluten, and so far gluten seems to win ever time.  I had gluten-free mac & cheese, no problem.  I had a regular pasta dinner from my favorite restaurant and felt super sick after dinner.  I am slowly coming to terms with the idea that I should just stay gluten-free.  After many years of being a baked-goods-aholic this is a scary notion to me.

As for the rest of it.  I am making a commitment to myself that I am going to do the One Helena Hundred Century Ride in July.  It will be my first century, so I have a few months to get ready.  Two weeks after that is the NAMI Ride which I've supported for a few years now at the 5 or 10 mile ride.  This year I'm doing the 33 mile loop.  Those are my big goals for this summer.  I'd look at more, but with the wedding in September I don't want to put to much on my plate.  

And I know it's kind of far out to be planning, but that's how I role, I definitely want to stay up with training through the winter so I can either do several centuries next summer, or MAYBE even try my hand at triathlons (gasp!).  We'll see as we get through this summer, but I am friends with some amazingly inspiring people (one in particular) and I find myself drawn to the challenge of a triathlon.

So tonight I get my new bike computer set up and a few tweets to my fit on the bike.  And tomorrow it's game on!

21 Day Sugar Detox - Mission Accomplished!

Today is day 21, and I am done!  I did have a few slips/cheats through out the weeks, and by the last week I went back to having a glass of red wine in the evening, and I won't lie I am looking forward to a sweet treat tonight, but I definitely learned a lot:  

• I learned that I feel better emotionally and physically without grain or sugar.  
• I better tolerate being tired.
• I don't have blood sugar crashes that leave me starving, shaky, and annoyed.  
• I sleep great (though that wasn't a huge issue before)
• I feel that I have more stamina for my workouts, and am getting better performance.
• I am an emotional eater.  When I was tired, upset, or just kind of blue I wanted junk food, especially bakery type goods.

I lost 5 pounds, 2 inches off my waist and 1/2 inch off my hips.  I definitely feel leaner and closer to where I like to be aesthetically.  I didn't have any bloated or "fat" days which was very nice.  The photo differences aren't huge, but considering it was only 21 days, I can't complain.

 

Going forward my goal is to stay more on the paleo end of things (90/10), and to stay away from wheat/gluten.  I'm also going to look into some allergy testing out of curiosity sake.  I had allergy attacks on days that I had slip ups which makes me curious if I have more of an allergy issue.  But I concluded that regardless I definitely am gluten intolerant.  When I want to eat for emotional reasons I need to pick fats and proteins instead of donuts and cupcakes, and I need to be more aware of the temptations and mindless eating throughout the day.  

It's not a surprise to most people that the standard American diet isn't very good for us, I just don't think many folks really see how bad things are, and the unhealthy habits and emotions we have around food and our bodies.  All-in-all it was a worth while experience that I would recommend to everyone and I'm glad I stuck it out.

 

Two Weeks DONE!

Ops, didn't realize I'd gone all week without a post…  Well, I'm 2/3 of the way through my detox and feeling good.  I haven't weighed myself, going to wait til the very end.  But I can tell I am leaning back out, especially in the tummy region.  My skin is healthier looking and feeling.  And my energy is great.  It's been a demanding and emotional week at work, and I've been tired, but I still feel like I can think straight and keep moving forward.  Used to be a week like this and I'd be so overwhelmed I'd cry myself to sleep every night.  I've managed to get in a crossfit workout and a bike ride.  Both were tough, but felt good, and my recovery/next day sore was much less than I expected.

This week was mostly uneventful, I didn't prep very good at the beginning of the week, so I was scrambling a bit every day which may things difficult.  Ended up eating lots of yogurt, almond butter, and eggs….  On Wednesday I had an interesting experience.  My whole day was completely thrown out of whack by a kiddo in crisis (as to be expected working in counseling with teenagers)  But the time I got them taken care of and got to my evening class I had not had a chance to get food (as I had previous planned to do) so I ate what was there, and it was all wheat based stuff.  About an hour after eating I had a huge allergy attack: itchy eyes and skin, sneezing, running nose, etc.  It got so bad I had to take some Benadryl to keep from clawing my eyes out.  I know I'm allergic to a bunch of things, but I can't think of any of those things that I was exposed to in that time frame…  So I'm wonder if now that my system is clear of wheat/gluten that's what triggered the reaction.  I'm going to test this theory again in a week or so.  Or maybe get the allergy testing that I've been planning on getting for the last 2 years...

Yesterday morning I flat out cheated and had some syrup on my detox friendly pumpkin spice pancakes.  I won't lie, it was so delicious!  And I don't feel guilty about it.  :)

The biggest realization I've had over the last week is just really how much crap I use to eat.  Every where I turn at work is a bucket of candy or a box of donuts, and I'd eat them. If I'm in a hurry or tired, I resort to junk food.  I am an emotional eater more than I truly realized.  When I'm dragging ass tired, or feeling depressed and frustrated, I grab a donut and a bottle of juice.  The sugar rush makes everything feel better for a minute, but ultimately I'm still exhausted and depressed at the end of the day.  But when I took the 2 extra seconds to stuff my face with protein and healthy fats, I felt better at that moment and had to energy to keep moving forward.  Water and good fat (mostly avocado's this week) almost always cleared up my headaches.

I am an impulsive and emotional eater and I am going to have to move forward being much more aware of that.

The only chocolate I need in life
....that's a lie, I need dark chocolate....
My favorite bit of milk chocolate!

One Week DONE!

I am just about finished with week one of my 21 day sugar detox.  Things are continually getting better.  My energy is great, my brain feels clear, all-in-all I just feel like things are working better.  Last night was a girl's night out with the ladies from the gym.  Before heading out for the night I made a conscious, pre-planned decision about how to get through the night.  I decided that I would stick with a good clean dinner (steak, broccolini, and a potato), but I would allow myself 1 drink (gin and tonic).  That way I wasn't trying to make decisions on the fly with temptations sitting right in front of me.  It worked perfect!  I decided not to go with the ladies for more drinks after dinner since I wasn't drinking, I felt that would totally push my limits on temptation at this point.  I am still craving junk food, it's getting less, but this morning I was dreaming about a maple bar….

There is a part of me that is saying "hey, you proved you can live without sugar.  Have a treat."  I find myself trying to talk myself out of finishing the detox, which is exactly why I needed to do the detox.  I can too easily cave and justify bad food choices.  I think physically this next week will go much better, but emotionally may be tougher.  Got to see it through, only 14 days left.

 

In other news, I have been wanting to get into road biking for quite sometime.  PJ is big into it, and I'd love to share some riding time with him.  So we've talked for sometime about getting me a road bike.  Yesterday we bit the bullet and I got a new bike.  It is so fabulous!!  I got a Trek Madone 3.1 WSD.  Unfortunately yesterday it was snowing and crappy so I couldn't take it for a ride.  But today was beautiful; 45 degrees and sunny, so I suited up and hit the road.  Wow! The road bike is so responsive and light compared to years on a mountain bike.  It will take a little getting use to, but I loved it.  I can see myself putting a lot of miles on that bike.  PJ and I are still debating on signing up for either a metric century in Helena or the Bike MS ride this year.  I'm ready for some real spring weather so I can really go!

Day 3 and 4… Starting the up swing.

I've made it through 2 more days successfully.  Yesterday I struggled with my stomach really aching after every meal, Kombucha settled it down, so I'm thinking it was gut bacteria's die-off (common when people get away from the standard American diet).  Stomach's feeling better today, but sticking with Kombucha and some plain yogurt with a dash of cinnamon, all things to help heal a leaky gut.  On top of the stomach pain, I was pretty dang tired all day and went to bed early, but slept great.  And I've been freezing cold….

Today all of that is getting better.  No stomach pain today, still really tired, but my brain feels more clear.  And I managed to stay warm with a little effort.  Although today I was craving some junk food bad!  It hit me hard about 1:00, I was dragging ass and just kept thinking about how peppy a candy bar or soda would make me feel…. I had some black tea and yogurt instead.  Oh, and a fabulous trip to the chiropractor made me feel so fresh and new.  Also I even got a workout tonight (workouts having been suffering the last few weeks).  PJ and I got a bike trainer for Christmas, so I finally got around to my first ride on the trainer, just a short 35 minutes, but it's a start.  Feeling good now and looking forward to curling up in bed soon.

 

So in case you're still wondering what the heck this Kombucha is that I keep talking about..  It's fermented tea.  Fermented foods of all types have lots of great bacteria in it.  Kombucha has a bit of a rough smell to it, but is actually really yummy and comes in a wide variety of flavors.  Fermented foods help heal our guts, which is good for our energy, our immune system, and our overall wellbeing, (Here's a list of good things it can do) so I can have my tea and feel good too.  So the next time you can't shake that icky tummy feeling I would highly recommend you grab a bottle to sip.

 

17 Days to Go!  Bring it on!

Day 2: Bone broth FAIL

I made a big pot of bone broth last night with the intention of having a cup of the wholesomeness every morning with breakfast.  It turned out awful….  Flavor was ok, but it was like drinking hot coconut oil…  all slimy/oily.  I couldn't drink it.  I talked to some folks on various paleo website to confirm that's not right, it should be broth-like when warmed. So I may try again, may not.  I mostly was going to drink it for the benefits in healing the gut.  Instead today I got some Kombucha.

Day 2 of my 21 day sugar detox:  As for today I was starting to feel the lack of sugar.  I was super tired most of the day.  I expect the next day or two to be kind of rough as my body stops having sugar to burn and starts burning fat.  But I've got lots of good food around, so there are no excuses not to stay on course.  

*Photo doesn't show everything I ate, but most of it.  Not included in the photo is a paleo muffin, Kombucha, and plain yogurt with cinnamon and vanilla.